Bradshaw on: the Family: a New Way of Creating Solid Self-esteem
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It served me well by giving me some other context from which to view many situations in my relationships, particularly in understanding situations that seemed randomly disruptive or disconcerting. Bradshaw'southward systematic description of what
When I read Bradshaw On: The Family, it was an energetic insight into many of the situations that I had encountered in my family of origin, and again in my marriage. I read information technology at the beginning of a long stretch of personal growth spurred on past divorce at the fourth dimension.Information technology served me well by giving me another context from which to view many situations in my relationships, particularly in understanding situations that seemed randomly confusing or disconcerting. Bradshaw's systematic clarification of what he calls "the poisonous teaching" plant in some dysfunctional families allowed me to survey my own experiences thoroughly and find where I could make choices differently every bit I moved through an interesting divorce.
I chose specifically to include this volume, however, more for the response and experiences I've witnessed when my friends have borrowed it. Consistently, my friends have borrowed copies, only to ask if they may go on them for a little longer, and a little longer, until I ultimately wish them well with their new volume and happily buy another copy. The book was originally published in 1984, and hasn't changed much in its content over several editions, only in its emphasis. It seems to have the appeal of a archetype in that people render to it over and over over again, even when they accept plant more contemporary works that go into greater depth on the subject of family dynamics.
I recommend this book to anyone who is puzzling through parts of their life where they find recurring themes of nonsensical beliefs or frustration.
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Bradshaw on The Family unit really immune me to split up myself from my toxic childhood upbringing and the toxic religious upbringings that I've had.
I am now on a journey to finding my true self and slowly cutting off the false cocky I've created.
This is also a great book for peel
This book helped me a lot. If you want to end the toxic patterns in your life (codependency, substance corruption etc.), this is a keen book to read. Our behaviors take a lot to practise with our inner child whose needs weren't met.Bradshaw on The Family actually allowed me to carve up myself from my toxic childhood upbringing and the toxic religious upbringings that I've had.
I am now on a journey to finding my true self and slowly cutting off the false self I've created.
This is also a bang-up book for parenting.
I read Healing The Shame that binds you and found that Bradshaw on The Family is an easier read. There's not as much psychology terms, much easier for an end user.
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Till now I couldn't f
This book did give me a revolutionary discovery of myself and my family, thanks to my psychologist. It almost covers every aspect of a dysfunctional family. When I was reading it, I was shocked several times that how could a book know me that well. Some characters I used to think is mine but is actually a 'souvenir' of my family, not on my ain. I bought some other 2 books for my parents to read. Too several times I wanna share the thoughts in this volume with my friends and family.Till now I couldn't find whatsoever flaw of it. If I really desire to say a little, maybe should be: the recovery steps are besides abstract. I know that a lot of psychologists would say: become meditation, get in touch with the inner child, something like that. It's likewise difficult even to think near. And in my country there hardly runs any supportive recover group as the book described. The writer said the first 12 steps took him ten years to achieve, I don't know, I may have seek other fashion to get on the recovery progress, but not exactly equally the author is suggesting.
I would like to read his book 'heal the shame that blinds you' after.
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Families are complex to begin with - add a little dysfunctionality and they get downright crazy. Bradshaw helps yous encounter past the craziness and encounter how to heal yourself and movement on.
Non full of big or ambiguou
Bradshaw is great for bringing to light the i affair that tends to stare the states in the face up and nevertheless we just can't see it. Regardless of the fact that he tends to deal with more substance abuse, anyone who suffered emotional abuse also will find a great deal of relief from reading this volume.Families are circuitous to brainstorm with - add a little dysfunctionality and they get downright crazy. Bradshaw helps yous run across past the craziness and run across how to heal yourself and move on.
Not total of big or ambiguous terms, it'south piece of cake to read and understand. Not all of it is useful, but most of information technology and those elements that are make it a very good tool in anyone'due south emotional recovery.
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I had a female friend who told me for years that she had a happy childhood, that she loved her parents. I kept silent, as if I believed her, because the first time I recommended she read something like this she got very defensive. Years laissez passer, she divorces the husband her parents forced her to marry, beca
Practice your self a gentle smart favor, ignore any negative review of this book. If y'all want to assistance yourself and help your friends and loved ones, summon whatever it takes for you to read this book.I had a female friend who told me for years that she had a happy childhood, that she loved her parents. I kept silent, as if I believed her, considering the first time I recommended she read something like this she got very defensive. Years laissez passer, she divorces the married man her parents forced her to marry, because she was meaning with another mans' kid. (Child you not.) The husband fabricated her give up the her get-go baby for adoption. She was then dominated past her parents at that time, she did, against her hearts' desire. She divorced this husband, 12 years her senior because he verbally abused her in front of their two sons. He stopped making love to her. (She was attractive). Her self esteem (or self feeling) went downhill. She slept in the livingroom for three years, secretly, then her sons wouldn't know. Meanwhile sometimes late at dark, she and the married man would scream and debate to the point -- I after learned from a neighbor -- that the sons would run out into the big yard, hold their hands over their ears and scream -- in order to non hear their parents yelling.
Every time I encouraged her to read this volume or something like information technology, she claimed she had a happy childhood. Years and years later she called me and asked me to help her go a therapist, her life was falling autonomously. I researched on the web for a John Bradshaw trained therapist. She went and it saved her life. Meanwhile, before that, she divorced the abusive hubby, went back into the workforce and eventually started drinking due to work stress, and became an alcoholic. She was arrested for a single automobile drunk driving accident, that landed her, knocked out by her head hitting the steering wheel in the infirmary. She called her healthy friend, me, to option her up, she was too ashamed to ask her oldest son, or any of her friends. She went to the therapist eventually, and learned to say "no" to her parents, and thought she was all amend. Meanwhile she met the beloved of her life, and blossomed, traveled for the beginning time, had her outset orgasm (she told me) and became a much happier person...except...when stress caused her to lean on the bottle. She leaned on the canteen more and more...to the point where I could no longer accept her late night drunken raged filled phone calls.
You guessed it, her unhealed childhood wounds caused her to ruin her relationship with her soul mate / dear of her life. She ruined her health, her liver and kidneys and was diagnosed equally a paranoic. She started having an affair at work, which led to her and the homo being fired and led from the edifice by security guards. She loved her job, ultimate shame in her leave.
I knew some other woman, who was beaten by her father, with a bamboo switch, every week (along with her brothers) whether she (they) had mis-behaved that week or not. When she started to blossom equally a young young woman, he started to molest her. When she had bloomed, he started raping her. When she first shared this with me, I offered her this book. She read this book, and Bradshaw'southward "Homecoming," about healing the inner kid and the wounds of early life and such abuse, trauma and dysfunction. Inside a few months she threw off the shackles of her old thinking and feelings and traveled effectually the world speaking at big conventions in her field, and beingness interviewed on tv about her footing breaking work.
Imagine a line drawn down the middle of a white or chalk lath. To the left of the line is everyone and everything that these books can help liberate and heal. To the right of the line are all the people with wounds that will take more work and therapy.
The offset woman thought she knew amend, likely, already paranoid and resistant to the suggestions of others due to her control father and mother. The second woman was simply waiting to encounter information that could demonstrate for her that the beatings, molestations and rapes were not her error. Of course the second adult female would need and become more than therapy, the volume was the gateway.
The showtime woman refused the gateway offered by the universe, a friend. And her life got better for a while subsequently divorcing, so cycled into a downward screw. It is said people live their lives in patterns, repeated patterns, and that change is hard due to neurological / emotional imprints, too as linguistic imprints (values, opinions, positives or prejudices).
I tend to wonder if people live their lives in linear spirals, each time they echo themselves, they can improve or regress, become worse. That's what I've seen in life.
John Bradshaw is the nearly educated, well researched educator and presenter of human psychology, and family unit systems psychology as evolved by Dr. Murray Bowen in the 1950'southward and 60'due south and through till his death in the 90's.
Imagine that you have a garden, and in it you institute ii rows 6 feet autonomously, so that they will not share the same added nutrients and h2o. In the showtime row of corn you give it all organic affair nutrients and the suggested amount of h2o, without over watering. In the second row of corn, you lot give information technology polluted h2o, poulluted "nutrients," water with batter acid, and you embrace it with a tarp deny information technology sun, every other solar day.
Which row of corn would you personally fare to do ameliorate, and which would you want to eat?
This is the root premise of "how a nature is nurtured," yes, genetics and epigenetics, and epigensis play a roll in our personality formation -- and the "baseline land of delectation or lack thereof, that we wake upwards with every morn."
And so indeed, our personalities, and abilities for happiness, are influenced by both heritable aspects, and the conditions of the garden in which we grow up, both macroscopically (social club, schools) and microscopically (the family unit unit, principal care givers, baby sitters, shut family members like aunts, uncles, grandparents etc.)
Mostly, unhappy people are fabricated, conditioned, not born. Yes some are born with a screwloose.
What yous resist, in getting to the lesser of your early life conditioning -- and as a famous creative person once said "I found childhood peculiarly hard, it made me very sensitive, information technology wasn't anything my family did, my parents are wonderful, it was the guild, the kids effectually me etc." And another vivid creative person said "Information technology is very hard to be both highly intelligent and highly emotional (from an abusive babyhood), one uses the intelligence to navigate the emotions, only eventually, without education, therapy and the learning of self regulation techniques like meditations for downwardly regulating negative emotions, and skills for navigating social live, conflict resolution, conscious honesty, kindness and gentleness to others...there are many pot holes and troubles one can fall into in life."
Mt behavior can be discerned by the above. The people I have met who had adverse childhoods, that have washed the best, are the ones who for some reason are either desperate, or able to be intelligent plenty to embrace the information such as this book and others about early on life development, and and then notice and learn the skills to navigate and act successfully as an adult.
Mostly, this never happens because the information gets shamed by those like the showtime women, who would deride the concept / metaphor of the "inner kid," because she'd heard comedians practice information technology on TV. And all the same, her life fell apart.
The average human empathise more than about how a dog, a cat, or their car works, so how THEY work. This is a tragedy for a biomass / species known as "Homo Beings." We are Human Animals, and "self aware Hominids," we exist emotionally, before we larn language and have thoughts. And what this book is pointing out and educating people to is that how that petty neonate is treated (we now have evidence that a fetus can feel his mothers feel/feelings at age vi months in the womb, so the imprints start then) will absolutely have an upshot on personality development, ability for contentment in life, cadre values, and the emotional baseline state of the homo as they come of age.
I never met a school swell, murderer, or fierce criminal, alcoholic, or drug aficionado that come from a truly healthy family.
Sometimes it takes a very deep look to figure out how someone was influenced to become off the rails in life. The most interesting case I encountered was a guy who's parents seemed kind, polite, warm hearted, mannerly, well humored... And yet he turned out ruining a pro sports career, a professional person modeling career, and became a heroin, cocaine, alcohol addict, and died of a heart set on from damage to his centre from mixing cocaine and heroin too many times. He had "died" and been revived iii times in his life. The 4th time, it got him in his slumber.
He was my dearest best friend and I learned all of the to a higher place to try and save his life. Past the time he agreed to become clean, he'd already lost the power to walk, and had a plastic plate in his caput from being beaten for an unpaid drug debt.
People who dismiss the important information in this volume, after reading Ten Pages etc., are a sad joke. Yep, in that location are notwithstanding lite witted folk who desire to attack the idea that we are influenced past our parents and siblings and that we are born with a fully formed personality and emotional traits etc. etc. etc. They exercise you or themselves no service.
Bradshaw has owned that his southern accent, and his passion seems angry sometimes when he presented on Television, and he has apologized for that, that part of his conditioning, and urged those who or whose family members need help or recovery...to embrace the information whether it is from his work, or some other author on the same topics / theory.
To wit, there is a Renaissance of new authors, books and information on family systems theory and therapeutic practice in the not-The states Anglosphere. Dr. Oliver James does a great job in "How To Survive a Family Life," including intelligently debunking "the Twins" studies and theories. He's a bright homo, a clinical child psychologist and son of both a psychologist and psychiatrist who wanted to become to the bottom of how they "screwed up" he and his sis. (He and his sister had joked about information technology, and he decided to observe out by get a Child Psychologist. There's also a great new book out of Australia, or NZ, I forget the name and the writer at this point.
In that location are hundreds of branches of psychology, which is a field that was born out of the field of philosophy. If there there is a Logical place to brainstorm researching agreement and changing 1'due south cocky, it has to exist studying the garden from which we were spawned.
This volume and the companion PBS Boob tube serial were massive successes for a reason. They spoke to answers Tens of Millions of people were seeking, and they have Saved Lives, probably thousands of lives. I take used them to save 6 lives myself, and used them to save 3 marriages with children as well.
Sadly, if you lot cannot get into this book, or these ideas and theories, and understand them...it says more than about your level of intellectual development than the piece of work itself does.
Humans are evolutionary creatures, we'll ever be able to ding and quibble over whatever theories or posited ideas or researched "facts" nearly human workout, development and personality / expression.
If ever at that place were a logical place to beginning to understand how we turned out they way we have...it would exist the family unit, where we spent the well-nigh time being cared for or not, loved or non, where we received the bulk of our early life handling from others, and spent most of our time. Certain school is a large cistron when nosotros achieve school age.
Studies on human resilience also point to treatment past the mother, bonding/attachment, and available nutrition and educational activity / 1st world / 3rd globe, etc., other external factors.
I hope this review helps people.
GL
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p. ninety
"Addictive/compulsive beliefs or marry addicts
Delusional thinking and denial almost family of origin
Unmercifully judgmental of cocky or others
Lack skilful boundaries
Tolerate inappropriate behavior
Constantly seek approving
Have difficulty with intimate relationships
Incur guilt when standing up for self
Prevarication when it would exist just as easy to tell the truth
Disabled will
Reactive rather than artistic
Extremely loyal to a fault
Numbed out
Overreact to changes over which they have no command
Experience different from other people
Broken-hearted and hypervigilant
Low self-worth and internalized shame
Confuse love and compassion
Overly rigid and serious, or simply the reverse
Have difficulty finishing projects
Overly dependent and terrified of abandonment
Live life every bit a victim or offender
Intimidated by anger and personal criticism, or overly contained
Control madness--have an excessive need to control
Super-responsible or super-irresponsible"
Or, perhaps more compellingly, "I thought that my habit to excitement, my people-pleasing and approval-seeking, my overly developed sense of responsibility, my intimacy bug, my frantic compulsive lifestyle, my astringent self-criticalness, my frozen feelings, my ceaseless skilful-guy act and my intense need to control were simply personality quirks. I never dreamed that they were characteristics common to adults who as children lived in alcoholic families." (p.98)
Since nobody in my immediate family unit drinks regularly, I would be really confused right now if I hadn't already read a good fleck about codependency.
So, on to codependency.
p. 185
"As the definition of addiction was expanded to include the wider range of addictions (activities, feelings, thoughts), the sensation dawned on observers that any type of dysfunctional family exhibits the aforementioned co-dependent construction." (emphasis the author's)
Information technology's like Tolstoy said: all happy families are alike, just each unhappy family is codependent. Or something like that.
I was going to type out the acrostic for this, also, but fuck it. The only thing I found particularly "aha!"ish here is the idea that trying to figure out what normal people would do, and and so doing that, is part of all this codependent/adult children of X scene. Hm.
I was mostly looking forward to the last role of the book, which is most how to go better, but I was immensely disappointed that the solution was basically: join a 12-step plan, get therapy, bring together a grouping of some sort, and get a spiritual life. I might be more impressed with the author's recommendations if this whole section didn't seem so "this worked for me! Therefore, information technology's what you need, too!" Just not finding that particularly persuasive.
Oddly enough, the description of how you'll be at the end of the 3rd phase of recovery seems to fit me pretty well, but if yous expect at the descriptions of the outcomes of the first two stages, I'chiliad all messed up.
I really don't know what to to think most this book. If my therapist hadn't recommended information technology, I'd cheerfully cast it aside and disregard it, simply since he thought I'd get a lot out of it, at present I'm like, "uh oh, am I just in deprival here? Do I really need a 12-step program or some shit?" ???
Either way, I really did not savour reading this volume, and I'm very glad to be washed with information technology. I kept waiting for some new (or at least new-to-me) insight, simply other than the WWND? thing, there really wasn't. I guess I know more about this stuff than I realize. I did do a expert bit of reading on codependency last year, and I read a bunch on habit for a client projection.
In that location is a big practice that starts on p. 199: "12 essential traits of co-dependency that lead to powerlessness and unmanageability"--y'all're supposed to go through the listing and write down examples of how you've exhibited each trait (if applicative) and what it toll you. Probably a good practice, simply it sounds so hideous. Another volume I'm reading correct now offers contradictory advice that basically boils down to "acknowledge and move on, dude"--think I'll do that instead.
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I plant this book a great help. Bradshaw is big on the
inner kid kind of thing. Fifty-fifty if yous don't concur
with his self help methods, I recollect most would find
the reading insightful.
The center of what I liked is- identify the trouble, figure
out what caused it, that clown at your 5th bday
party peradventure? only don't use that equally an excuse!
Y'all figured out what makes yous tick, now use it
go on with your life.
Went to hear him speak once (and I'm not a person
who would be defenseless at a self-aid seminar) and
I found this book a nifty help. Bradshaw is big on the
inner child kind of thing. Even if you lot don't agree
with his cocky help methods, I call back well-nigh would find
the reading insightful.
The middle of what I liked is- identify the trouble, figure
out what caused it, that clown at your 5th bday
party perhaps? but don't use that as an excuse!
Yous figured out what makes you tick, now use it
get on with your life.
Went to hear him speak once (and I'thousand not a person
who would be defenseless at a self-assistance seminar) and male child
he was a congenial & charismatic host.
"Hugh did forget and went to his death never knowing who he was." (xxii)
T
H
Eastward
R
E
A
R
E
D
I
A
M
R
A
M
S...
"Hugh did forget and went to his death never knowing who he was." (xxii)
T
H
East
R
East
A
R
E
D
I
A
G
R
A
Thousand
S...
The enquiry has been thorough- this book represents many decades of research and vivid minds- exploring the truth nearly homo nature and families. That must count for something- even if we are not ready to hear what information technology has to say. So allow those defenses down and savour- I highly recommend this for anyone wanting to empathise themselves and consequently others more genuinely. ...more
The spoiler contains a few random comm
This book will be a fleck bizarre for unmarried people without children. It does provide a few helpful insights for people struggling with their family unit & marriage. Bradshaw gives his personal viewpoint on marriage, family unit and self-esteem. This book is non backed by scientific enquiry and many gorging readers of psychology volition struggle over Bradshaw'south claims. The book was originally published in 1984, and has mostly remained similar over the dissimilar editions.The spoiler contains a few random comments about the volume: (p.98) (p. 185 ) (p. 199): "12 essential traits of co-dependency that lead to powerlessness and unmanageability"--The writer details the traits and corresponding negative effectives of that trait. (hide spoiler)]
(view spoiler)[
"I thought that my addiction to excitement, my people-pleasing and approval-seeking, my overly adult sense of responsibility, my intimacy problems, my frantic compulsive lifestyle, my astringent cocky-criticalness, my frozen feelings, my incessant good-guy act and my intense need to control were just personality quirks. I never dreamed that they were characteristics mutual to adults who as children lived in alcoholic families."
"As the definition of habit was expanded to include the wider range of addictions (activities, feelings, thoughts), the awareness dawned on observers that any type of dysfunctional family exhibits the same co-dependent structure."
Remember, this volume was written in the eighty'south, so a lot of terms that seem cliche to us now were actually new in this volume!
This book helped me get a handle on a lot of issues that I've been struggling with throughout my life - almost chiefly, why I seem to have such big emotional responses to situations that don't warrant them. I recommend it for anyone trying to become a handle on who they are and why.Remember, this book was written in the lxxx's, then a lot of terms that seem platitude to us now were really new in this volume!
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This book has it'south bug, no doubtfulness, but it is incredibly insightful in many ways. It takes a expert long await at dysfunctional families, abuse, and trauma. More than than anything, the author pinpoints an often overlooked attribute of family dysfunction which is the way these patterns play out over generations.
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John Bradshaw has been called "America'southward leading personal growth expert." The author of five New York Times bestsellers, Bradshaw On: The Family, Healing the Shame That Binds Y'all, Homecoming, Creating Love, and Family unit Secrets. He created and hosted four nationally circulate PBS tv set serial based on his bes
Librarian Notation: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.John Bradshaw has been called "America's leading personal growth expert." The author of five New York Times bestsellers, Bradshaw On: The Family, Healing the Shame That Binds You, Homecoming, Creating Love, and Family Secrets. He created and hosted four nationally broadcast PBS television series based on his best-selling books. John pioneered the concept of the "Inner Kid" and brought the term "dysfunctional family" into the mainstream. He has touched and changed millions of lives through his books, television serial, and his lectures and workshops around the land.
During the past twenty-5 years he has worked as a counselor, theologian, direction consultant, and public speaker, becoming one of the main figures in the contemporary self-help motility.
...more thanNews & Interviews
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